2025

Disclaimer (or is it Disclosure?!?): I wrote this blog sometime in December, when I was overwhelmed and about to start my period. I did not post it then because I still needed to upload photos, which sent me to my phone instead of my laptop, and well, the phone is an abyss…I feel like this needs a disclaimer because I do not feel exactly the same way now as I did when I wrote it. Seasonal shifts, body changes, and life calming down have a way of changing perspective. But what I wrote was real at the time, and I took the time to write it, so here it is…If I wait to publish until I feel exactly the way I do today, we will be waiting another year, especially since I just published my 2024 post, which is literally just photos. No captions. No explanations. Just me hitting publish because those pictures deserve to be seen! I know my problems are small compared to everything happening in the world. But sometimes we still need to spill them out, take a breath, and keep moving forward. My phrase for last year and this year is Do Not Get Bitter, Get Better. This means not spending time dwelling on things. It means getting on with it and making the magic happen. I have been in much worse places and still got here and I know I can get there again, wherever there is.

Without further ado:

It’s been a weird year (I don’t mean politically and all that, which it has been, but I mean personally). I don’t think I’ve ever been more ready for a new year.

I know you don’t have to wait until the new year to start something, it’s just a day, but it is a definite (or definitive?) day… so fuck whoever has the “you can start now” comment… I literally just can’t right now… That, in summary, is how I’ve been feeling… lots of cursing happening.

I went into this year with just one goal in mind, which was to find a new job after a string of very unfortunate events at work that left me feeling pretty insecure about things. Alex had the same goal for similar reasons, and so we focused on that and planned zero vacations in anticipation of jumping ship. Alex found a new job that he is enamored with. I managed to get a couple of interviews, but nothing came to fruition, and ultimately, I ended up just changing positions with my current employer. I started December 1st, so stay tuned…

While I didn’t get to plan a vacation, I did do some long weekends for music festivals, shows, and events. Because Alex got his new job and couldn’t take time off, I even had to do the 50K mountain bike race by myself, which was a rewarding experience. I finished in a faster time than last year, which was my first time (and Alex had ridden with me the whole way).

Since my sights were set on finding a new job, I did not set other goals, not even a goal for my health, which apparently I really need to have something in writing for me to prioritize. I’m grossly over a weight I’m comfortable with, but I’m trying not to worry too much about it, while worrying about it at the same time. It’s impossible to stick to a healthy routine during this time of year, so I’m not even going to try until after the first of the year. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong, no ifs, ands, or buts…you heard (read?) it here folks…I will be snatched in a few months time.

I digress…

No vacations with Alex meant spending my long weekends with girlfriends, which has helped me discover new things I like, and that yes, I’m still a terrible dancer, but who cares. I’m happy being me and happy to have friends who mostly don’t care, unless I bust out the sprinkler move, apparently.

I’ve really checked off some boxes, but at the same time there have been growing pains dealing with Alex having just as busy of a schedule as I keep. There have been missed connections. Normally this is perfectly fine because then we go on vacation and all is well with the world because we remember there is no one else we would rather be hiking up a mountain with, snacking with, and sleeping in a tent with than each other. I love him to pieces, but there is nothing sexy about everyday life. While we do get glimpses and small moments together, the recharge isn’t the same as when we’re crammed together doing the things we love to do.

I’ve been thinking about our relationship a lot because at the end of 2026, he will officially be my longest relationship. If and when we make it, I would have officially been with him longer than I was married to my husband, and that is a bit scary, and maybe not at the same time. When we first started getting pretty serious and Alex started talking about marriage, I told him that we could get married if we made it longer than I did with my husband. Well, that time is now, and I don’t feel like it has been long enough… how has it already been ten years?!?! And why is ten years together not feeling like long enough?!

I tried to remember how I felt when I finally knew that I had to leave my ex-husband, but I can’t remember. If only I could remember so I could compare… don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to leave Alex, but I also know I was happy with my ex-husband at some point too, for us to be together that long. Alex is right in so many ways, but it is terrifying being so definitive about something. I got married young, at 17, and didn’t think much about it. Now, at 36, I feel like I’m much too young to be married. I don’t know enough about life… how can I know?! I know no one can ever be 100% sure how things will turn out, and yet they dive in. Am I selfish for not wanting to do that? I want to know everything…

Going into 2026, I want clarity and structure. Since I only set one goal for myself this year, which I technically didn’t achieve (I didn’t leave my job per se, I’m still with my company, just in a different role), it wasn’t how the goal was originally set. In my head, I didn’t achieve my one goal, and that’s a bit of an ego buster because I’m used to being pretty good at things. It just didn’t quite pan out this year and I’m trying to be okay with that.

So, before we close out 2025, and before I give up on this blog like I did on all the other blogs I started this year but never posted, here are a few moments that reminded me this year wasn’t a loss: