I have been so off lately, juggling many things going on. I feel like today as I sit and drink my coffee with nothing in particular to do, I can finally breath. Alex and I have been together 5 years now and earlier in the year I told him if we reached 5 years and we were still living at his parents’ house, I was going to break up with him.
I know…I’m a bit dramatic, but I meant it when I said it. Mostly because I never truly imagined getting to six months living with his parents. It has been very frustrating and disturbing not being able to find peace and calm by myself in my own home. Home is where we go to reset and I feel like I haven’t been able to reset in a while. It is a big reason why I haven’t been able to sit and write anything, I feel like I can’t think in this space. Navigating my frustrations has not been easy. I would love to say that I am a patient and mature adult, pero se me sube lo Pasillas.
I hate when I don’t follow through with things I say. It always makes me feel so vulnerable, like now nothing I say will be taken seriously. If I ever give Alex a serious ultimatum, would he just think back to this and remember that I was all talk?! It makes me think of the children’s book, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. If you give a mouse a cookie, he is going to ask for a glass of milk…If I let you get away with this, what else would you want to get away with?!
This actually has nothing to do with Alex and a lot to do with the defense mechanisms I built after my relationship with Santos. The biggest being my inability to forgive. Why should I forgive?! Even if I do forgive, I’m definitely not forgetting…I’m keeping track of that shit and you best believe if you are a repeat offender, you won’t even get cookie crumbs… don’t worry guys, Alex hasn’t done anything wrong and I’m not blowing this out of proportion…I’m actually just thinking of a friend and what I would do if I was in her situation.
It’s so easy for me on the outside looking in to be like “oh hell no, leave his ass!” I’m sure someone could have said the same to me when I was with Santos, but I didn’t leave. Not the first, second, third, fourth…honestly, I lost count of how many times he betrayed my trust. I forgave him so many times and he kept doing the same things because he knew I always took him back. I forgave him because I was scared of the unknown. I knew how to live life with him and it wasn’t always bad. I knew his family and he knew my family. What would I say to them?! What would they think? So many conversations that were easier to just avoid because I knew how to navigate life with him and I was sure it would be harder without him. After all, I knew Santos loved me and I loved him. What if I left and I didn’t find someone else to love me? What if I never loved again? All the thoughts and what ifs made me suck it up and deal.
The truth is that it was hard, but no harder than anything else in life, and not harder than staying and being unhappy. There was a lot of inconveniences, learning to navigate new things, and figuring out finances, but when you are in the middle of it, you just do it because you have to. I took it one day at a time, one problem at a time, and just worked through it.
The difference finally deciding to leave made in my life really makes me question why I didn’t do it sooner.
Recently, I caved and finally got a new car. I had been driving the same Tiguan for years, I loved that car. It was a money pit and there was always something wrong with it, but I did not care. I wanted to drive that car until it couldn’t go anymore. Alex thought I was crazy and didn’t understand my attachment to the vehicle. I told him that prior to the Tiguan, I drove an old Kia Sportage that made all kinds of noises and had no AC. The Tiguan was the first nice big thing I ever got for myself.
I’m mentioning my car buying experiences because it really drives the point on how life changing having the right partner can be.
The first thing to note is that when I was driving the Kia Sportage with no AC in the Texas heat, to and from work and school, Santos was driving the nicer vehicle with AC because he had a longer commute. I never really questioned this because I was happy that I was no longer taking the bus. When I told Alex this, he could not believe that a man, my husband, would put himself before me like that. Now that I live with his parents, I have personally heard his dad say that his wife is first, his son is second, and then it’s him. His dad works the hardest, makes the most money, and he drives the oldest most beat up car, while his wife and son both drive nice Mercedes. I know without a doubt that Alex would never put himself before me.
I made the decision to buy myself the Tiguan in grad school after getting enough cash back from my loans to payoff Santos’ vehicle so we no longer had that payment. I don’t really know why he wasn’t supportive when I told him I was looking for a vehicle, but he wasn’t and made me go look by myself. When I came back with the Tiguan, he was upset that it was a German car and that it was going to cost more to maintenance and upkeep. I had no idea, I knew nothing about cars, all I knew is that I needed a car with AC. He was also upset that the vehicle wasn’t manly enough, he felt self-conscious driving it. He didn’t want to help me find a car, so I’m glad I said tough shit and kept my Tiguan. Maybe this was the beginning of a shift in my mindset, good for you Nancy!
Even though Alex wanted me to get a new car a long time ago, he didn’t push me because it was my money and he wasn’t going to tell me what to do with it. He was constantly having to bail me out of car trouble and on numerous occasions I had to drive his vehicle while my Tiguan was getting repaired. You should have seen him when I finally said I was ready to give up my Tiguan, he had a whole list of vehicles to show me before I could finish my sentence. I learned way more than I wanted to about cars while looking because he wanted me to know exactly what I was getting into. He happily drove me to Dallas to pick up the best value for my money vehicle we found. There simply is no comparison. I can’t believe I settled for so long simply because I was scared of the unknown.
FYI, I actually did remind him that I told him I was going to leave him, but honestly, it would be the stupidest thing I could possibly do. Too many things out of our control have caused the house to take longer than expected and I know this has been just as hard on him. I’m so blessed to have someone that lets me express my sometimes-wild feelings and helps bring me back to sanity.
One perk of living with his parents is that we have been able to travel without having to worry about the cats and Scout. Since my last post we have been to Las Vegas and also did our annual National Parks vacation, this year to Saguaro, Joshua Tree, and Death Valley. Stay tuned for that blog and pictures.
Nancy's Rocking Thoughts 