Chocobo Ventures

Lots of things have me on the verge of a mental breakdown these days, but this last news really has me feeling like I am in serious need of a mental health day. I can’t stop thinking about it, but I haven’t had the time and a safe space where I can breakdown and mourn without being questioned.

I’ve been consistently on the verge of tears since I read the news and before leaving work today, I asked my boss if I could use the office after hours to work on some things. I didn’t tell her those things are my feelings.

Santos’ middle brother passed away. Santos is the oldest of 3 brothers. I found out while nonchalantly scrolling through Instagram. I couldn’t believe it. I honestly still can’t believe it. As far as I was concerned, David was going to definitely outlast his brothers. He always had this larger than life energy about him.

For my sanity and out of respect for Santos, I cut pretty much all ties with his family on social media, my exception was David’s wife. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to see the pictures of their beautiful daughter, who called me tia in the beginning of her life. This was my family too, for a long time they were all I had in San Antonio.

He was my brother for so long, 10 years. We shared an apartment with David for the better part of our first two years of marriage. I still remember the first time I met him in person. He drove from San Antonio to Fort Worth to pick up Santos when he was moving to San Antonio to prepare for me to join him after my graduation from high school. He looked at me and smiled, that huge, big, David smile and said, “man she’s gorgeous” as he extended his arm to me and turned back to look at Santos. I knew I was going to like him from that moment I met him. All three brothers have those gorgeous smiles, but David also had this confidence and swag that made it shine just a little bit more. It breaks my heart for his wife, his kids, his brothers, his parents, and everyone that loved him that we won’t be able to see that confident smile again.

I hate that I was so blindsided by this, like I said before, I had stopped talking and following all of them because Santos had moved on and I wanted to respect that. If you have read my previous blogs, you know that on occasion I would breakdown and snoop. This never turned out well for me and so I have tried extra hard to stop doing it. I did it again after finding out and saw he had been battling cancer. I can kick myself for not staying in touch with his wife or his parents. I want them to know I’ve never stopped caring about them and loving them. They all forever hold a place in my heart.

Anytime I get in my pity potty, life throws some perspective. I’m alive and healthy and I need to be thankful every day for that. I wish I could gain that perspective without having to learn such gut-wrenching news.

There are so many stories and things that remind me of David, but the most prevalent is from the time we lived together. I can clearly picture him lying on the couch playing Final Fantasy, running around looking for what I called and ostrich, but was actually a chocobo. That TV in the living room was our only entertainment, so I often found myself sitting there watching him play. I really hope he is chillin ridding that ostrich to his next adventure right now….

Don Julio always reminds me of him too, he had good taste. When we take a shot, my brother always toasts the same thing (which I love and gets me in my feels):
“Para todos los que estamos, Para todos los que faltan, y Para todos los que lla no estan…” Meaning: “For everyone that is here, for everyone that is missing, and for everyone that is no longer with us.”

I know I need better ways of dealing with my feelings, but this one hurts. This is one is for you David.

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