Today I realized half the year is gone.
Today I left work basically on time and risked the flash flooding happening in San Antonio because I couldn’t bare the thought of sitting there wasting any more time with my salty thoughts.
Today I have shingles and find it impossible to RELAX. I just finished walking barefoot in my nightgown in the garage because I read it is helpful in distracting you from the uncomfortability brought on by shingles, but I was doing it more to distract me from my thoughts. Maybe that is why I couldn’t be bothered to put on proper attire, after all, they say you get shingles because of stress and for some reason, the longer I am left with my thoughts, the more stressed I get. I now have two blisters on my foot.
My initial reaction to learning I have shingles was to be pissed off. Great, this is exactly what I needed it. I pride myself in always delivering more than expected and I can’t do that when I am not feeling 100% However, if I am being honest, I have been struggling delivering the bare minimum even at 100% maybe this was the universe telling me the chill the F out. I have never been good at that. Alex always tells me I am a walking ball of stress.
What did I do with the first half of the year? I feel so disconnected from myself most of the time lately. I have no idea what I am focusing on. Trying to connect with things that don’t make sense. I can’t find a connection with who I wanted to be, who I am trying to be, and who I want to be. I have all the confidence in the world, but at the same time I have none. I can’t focus on anything. I obsess over things that are decided, things I cannot change. I’ve always been this way. I still randomly think of things I did when I was younger and immediately feel embarrassed and torment myself with all the ways I could have done them differently.
Instead of taking Monday off because I spent Sunday evening at urgent care and didn’t get much sleep because of the shingles, I showed up to work early on Monday. I had committed to conducting a Phase I ESA training session early in the morning in support of projects starting this week. Why did I feel that was more important than my health? I told my boss I had shingles and she told me she worked while she had them. Apparently, I can’t let anyone work harder than me.
I started this blog post because writing usually helps me sort through things in my head and boy my head is hopping. I feel like most of this has been a pity party, so I will end it with some highlights since my last post:
- I signed up and got accepted to take my final Professional Geoscientist licensure exam! However, I have not told anyone because I don’t want anyone to know if I fail.
- Alex cut off his hair, the same hair I said I would break up with him if he cut off! But he looks so good!!! It is like I have a new boyfriend/partner/not fiancé/husband!
- I booked our vacation for next month! We are taking my nieces, one of which just graduated high school and has a full ride to TCU!!!!! I am such a proud Tia! I feel like we have made it. Breaking generational patterns left and right. She is headed to bigger better things. The world better watch out, Emily is on her way!
- Oh yeah, we finally moved into our house!!!!
Breathing in and out….thinking happy thoughts! ❤