I’ve been living my life these last few days trying not to trip over Christmas decorations, as I tried to transition from Fall to Christmas décor. I told myself I was going to work over the long thanksgiving weekend because my bid is due this week and I still have quite a few tasks to finish, but instead I brewed a lot of coffee, ate pie for breakfast, watched Christmas movies, and shared way too many bread rolls with Scout. Life is good and like everyone else during thanksgiving, I’ve been thinking about all the things I’m grateful for.
Before I get to my most recent reason to be thankful, I want to share a blog post I started on Wednesday night when I let curiosity get the best of me and I stumbled upon some new information about my ex-husband. Some background information: I still follow my former sister-in-law on Instagram because she is artsy and posts cool pictures and because she posts pictures of my ex-husband’s niece who I knew since she was born and it just didn’t seem right to completely erase them like they never existed. Following her on Instagram is really the only way I’ve gotten some tad bits of information on my ex because there was this women with a profile picture of herself and him that was always commenting on posts, so naturally, I clicked the profile and saw that this was the woman he was now in a relationship with. Through the last two years, I also learned that he had a daughter with her and that he named her Melody (the name I had picked out for our imaginary child when we were happy together). On Wednesday evening as I browsed through my phone, I noticed a comment with that familiar picture and initially I ignored it because what can I possibly get from snooping on this woman, nothing, so I passed. The second time I saw the comment later in the evening, I was at least one glass of wine in and was feeling sappy (the way I do during the holidays sometimes). I caved, I looked at the profile and this is what i wrote on my phone shortly after:
“I just read that you are married again…You always told me that you would never do this again with anyone, that if we didn’t workout, that was it, you were done.
I don’t know how I feel about it. I hope you treat her better than you did me, I hope your daughter made you change your ways, I hope…I don’t really miss you anymore, but somehow there is still at tear rolling down my eye, I don’t know why…. I love my life, like I said last time, I’m right where I wanted to be, it’s still just hard thinking of what I had, of what made up my life before.
I know I’ve written so many things that don’t paint you in the best light, but there was a reason I fell for you and there is a reason I always kept going back…I believed that I was written in you and that you were written in me…I believe you were reclined in a chair in my heart and I in yours until the day we would both be reclined in a chair outside our house old and gray talking about the good ol days… I wanted it to be you, I wanted it to be us…”
I was very in my feelings after that, I’m always surprised to see how I react to things. I did remember Wednesday night seeing that he got married and I remember that i was trying not to sob and have Alex find me on the couch crying, so that is why I opened up my WordPress app and started writing. I did not remember what I wrote until I read it tonight. All I want to add to that is that I’m thankful for the good memories we had and the lessons learned, I’m thankful and hopeful that he is happy and that his new family is happy and he is better for them, and I’m super thankful to be where I am in life and to have my boyfriend, who is my partner in life, not my fiancé, but kind of like my husband.
Thanksgiving was very noneventful and perfect. Alex and I stayed in our sweats all day while prepping our thanksgiving meal. His mom was on our only guest, we ate and watched Christmas movies as I started to unleash the mess of decorations that is still taking over my house. Friday we slept in and after Alex left to work I had my coffee and slice of pie for breakfast and eventually made it to my office to do some of that work I wanted to do, but didn’t end up doing. Instead my boss and I worked on getting the perfect planner for the new year (we went with a TUL discbound cover and a combination of different calendar/planning sheets from thecharmedshop.com, its actually pretty awesome), we visited the excavation site because it had been raining and we needed to make sure our stockpiles were holding up, and then eventually I did get one solid hour of work in. The real exciting thing came when i got home that evening, this is what I was most thankful for that day:
I passed my exam!!!!!! Of course I cried. Alex and I took tequila shots, drank the largest bottle of wine we had, and I basically decided that I deserved the whole weekend off, so I enjoyed time in my pjs and tried not to think about all the work that I knew was coming and that I am now freaking out about, but still, I’m making time for my blog post because balance!
Nancy's Rocking Thoughts 